My ADHD Journey

In case anyone is interested, here is the full story of my ADHD Journey which is still ongoing (as is life - the journey will continue until I die!)

From early childhood, there was something wild and different about me that gave teachers and caregivers nightmares (not to mention my parents!) Like the fact that I learned to run before I learned to walk and ran into walls. Or throwing my baby bottle at an elderly caregiver because I wanted to drink from a glass. And the many times at age three and four when I ran away from home and the police would have to bring me back.

In Kindergarten the real problems began. I have no memory before the age of seven, so I am told of my Kindergarten horror stories ‑ like the episode with the class gerbil which was pregnant and the whole class was awaiting the birth. I reportedly picked up the gerbil, swung it around by the tail until the tail broke off and it flew into the wall and died. There are other stories I'm told of the horrible things I did ‑ but that was the worst. My Kindergarten teacher told my mom "she was a failure as a mother", something that haunts her to this day, and that teacher had a nervous breakdown right after that year.

I was diagnosed as hyperactive and put on Dexedrine for a year and a half, but my Doctor didn’t like to leave kids on meds for longer than that in those days. He said I'd grow out of it ‑ that's what the medical establishment believed at the time.

The rest of school was an all or nothing proposition. If I liked a subject I got straight A's, if I didn't like it I barely scraped by. I discovered music at age 7, and it has been my main passion in life and saw me through my turbulent high school years when I didn't fit in because I was so weird. My music still carries me through to this day.

From my twenties onward, I went from one problem to another. Two marriages and divorces between the age of 20 and 27, numerous jobs, 17 different dwelling places in 3 provinces and 7 car accidents within 10 years. My high energy streak caused me to burn out and get Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and any time I got well, I got hyper again and then got sick again. It was a vicious cycle for many years.

My father and grandfather are the same. Brilliant, creative, talented ‑ so much potential, but they never could seem to do anything much with it. In January of ‘97 my grandfather passed away. At his funeral they discussed how he was a lovable loser and wanted to accomplish so much, but failed at almost everything he tried. It was a turning point for me. I left that funeral determined not to be like my father and grandfather ‑ I was going to do something with my life. I declared 1997 as my year of self improvement and took all the courses and read all the books I could, from Covey to Ziglar, from Napoleon Hill to Tony Robbins. I had some minor successes, but over all I just couldn't get it together. In August of ‘97 I had car accident number 6, was badly injured, and my business and my band fell apart. I was depressed and my chronic fatigue syndrome came back full force.

By Christmas ('97) I had hit rock bottom and had given up. Then one morning as I was waking up to my clock radio, there was a radio program of an interview with Dr. John Hallowell, author of "Driven to Distraction" a book on Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (or ADHD), the current name for hyperactivity. I thought "Oh yeah, I had that as a child". He was saying that they had recently discovered that over 80% of children with ADHD do not grow out of it ‑ it stays with them into adulthood and can affect their whole life. He read off the 20 symptoms of adult ADHD and I sat bolt upright in bed ‑ I have ALL 20 symptoms!! It was the missing piece that made the rest make sense.

I have since been formally diagnosed (or re‑diagnosed) with ADHD, and am always learning all I can about it and seeking treatment. My brain is wired differently. Just knowing this has vindicated my whole life ‑ I can see it's affect in every failure and even the successes. I have learned that Attention Deficit is actually a misnomer ‑ it should be Attention Inconsistency. I either hyperfocus so intently that nothing else matters, or I drift. My Dad has also been diagnosed and his life improved dramatically.

The primary way I control my ADHD is diet ‑ I eat a high protein, low carbohydrate, all natural diet, and avoid sugar and processed and refined foods (Like Atkins or Protein Power). When I changed my diet to that I lost 42 pounds and had kept it off for 4 years without hunger (after losing and regaining the same 50 pounds 5 times in 10 years and always being hungry and feeling ill on low fat, high carbohydrate diets), my hypoglycemia and chronic fatigue came under complete control.

I have also tried medication - I was on Dexadrine for a year and while I could focus and be more alert, I was also more compulsive about some things. I tried Effexor and it made me groggy all the time, so I tried Wellbutrin, which worked amazingly well - I could really focus and get alot done (I think that was what a normal brain may feel like) . The only problem was Wellbutrin caused a major side effect that only happens in about 5% of the people who use it (aren't I lucky!) - I gained about 25 pounds in two weeks and another 10 to 15 pounds the in the month after that - in short, I gained back all the weight I had lost and so successfully kept off for 4 years! It worked so well that I stayed on it for about a year, taking yet other medication (Topomax) that was supposed to counteract the weight gain (it just made me stop gaining, but not lose), and had other weird side effects, so I eventually came off both drugs and went back to managing my ADHD with diet and natural remedies (I'm still trying different things, and it's an adventure as always). The only sad part is, even though I've been off Wellbutrin for close to three years, no matter what I do (diet, excercise, multiple fat loss supplements etc.), the weight will not go away - with extreme effort I lose 10 - 15 pounds and that's it, then I get frustrated and eat more than I should or stop excercising and the 10-15 pounds creep right back on. I've lost and regained that same 10-15 pounds at least 10 times in the last three years, yet I still have to believe I will find a way to lose all the weight and keep it off and am not giving up!!! I still toy with the idea of trying drugs (maybe the new ones available like Concerta or Adderall), but the side effects still scare me - Adderall was pulled beause someone died taking it, which could have been other factors, but still - what are the long term effects, and what if I have a weird 5% unusual side effect/reaction (I already "won" that lottery, no thank you). Although I feel there's alot more I could do with all the abilities and talents I have (hence the toying with drugs idea), maybe I'm better to make the most of what I have without the drugs and avoid side effects. While I believe natural methods are best and should always be exhausted first, if drugs work for someone and have minor or no side effects, then more power to them.

I have been in the insurance industry for over 13 years and am now a Commercial Underwriter for a mid sized Mutual Insurance company. I have taken many university level insurance courses and got honors (as long as I can focus or hyperfocus I have photographic memory) - I even won the award for the highest mark in the province on a CIP course I took last year. I am a singer songwriter who also plays guitar and saxophone and I am in a band that brings me alot of satisfaction. I am a jewellery artist with a decent business making and selling handmade jewellery. I still have areas of my life that need work and are a struggle (my house usually looks like a bomb hit it, I often forget things and paperwork and bill paying are rarely up to date), but compared to my life prior to figuring all this out I’ve come along way, and am continuing to progress in my journey. The best part about knowing (about having ADHD) is understanding why these things happen (my brain is just wired different) and being able to laugh at them - not blame myself and feel like I'm stupid or crazy.

I am almost 40 years old, and while I am very glad I discovered all this at 32, part of me wishes I could have learned it at 12, or 22 or .... but it's a waste of time to think that way. I am grateful I learned all this when I did, that I survived all the turbulent years before that, and that I wasn't 62 like when my Dad found out or post mortem after 89 wasted years like my Grandfather. I just keep keeping on!!!

That's my ADHD journey thus far!

“ADHD is life on fast forward with the volume full blast”